well, i would like to start by saying toodles to columbia for a while. unfortunately i am not the most excited about the way in which i left it... i miss it already... the places and the people... mostly the people.
the night i left, after i had moved out of my place, i went down to the track for a last-minute good bye to that which took me to columbia, sc in the first place. it was a long heart-felt reflection on the things that went on the past 9 years... memories from the track team and otherwise. as i wept tears of departing sadness, i decided that it would be good to run one more lap around the good-ol' weems. so after walking to the starting line and kicking off my crocs, i took off and put myself to the clock... i just wanted to jog, but by the time i came upon 200m i found myself running... 31..32... so i decided to pick it up to try to dip under 60 for the quarter and sure enough...59sec. it was a nice good-bye to that quarter mile oval that drug me across the country and attached me to columbia. of course, i did leave a little bit of my feet out there, scattered among lane one throughout all 400m... as i pounded my feet the whole way around. nothing new, however.
the drive to kansas city from columbia was long, but gorgeous. the memorable part of the trip for me was in knoxville. usually when heading to wisconsin from sc, i go through knoxville and then trek to lexington, ky. however, it was at knoxville that i made the turn to nashville, tn. it was at this point that i knew things were different... change was in the air... on the road... and in my mind. i was left of the road with nothing but my thoughts. 1000 miles worth of thinking. 'i would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more just to be that man to walk 1000 miles and fall down at your door'. i guess you could say this was the theme or 'title' of my thoughts as they raced through and occupied my mind. i only wish that i could get them out as they come or as they came. although the song was sung by the pretenders, this is no pretend... and i would rather things stay PRE than END. i am ready for some things to begin and not for others to end which puts me on an emotional roller-coaster in a land anew. i feel homesick all over again... reminiscent of the days of yore... back in the day [on a wednesday mind you] when i headed off to college. my how life is strange... but is it worth it? am i? somehow i don't feel so right now... i don't feel worth the effort of change... worth... worth... worth... what an interestingly deep word.
worth... of all the definitions out there, i am left touched by a few. 'good or important enough to justify'... 'excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem' ... and 'usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person or for a purpose'.
these lead me to ask where i find mine. my worth. everyone has worth, be it different from person to person, it is still there nonetheless. i used to... and still believe in myself that mine lies in communication and trust. however, i have let myself down in these ways and must rebuild my own self-worth with regard to these issues and rebuild myself based on this foundation of truth.
wtf am i talking about? i think i know, some may not, others might. i could go on and on and ramble, but this is just a sampling of the thoughts that race across the eyes of the mouse in my mind that runs on the wheel which turns the turbine which powers the generator that fuels my thoughts. what's the mouse's name you ask? well, i used to have a rat named paco [yocum and i had him] and this mouse shall be jeffe. i don't even know how to spell what i am trying to pronounce... heck, i just plain can't spell very well. but i tell you what i do well... use elipses and run-on sentences without capitalizations. you see, without capitilization i will never be held to the mistake of accidently forgetting to capitalize something important. ahhh, so at least one of life's stresses is reduced.
anywho, at panera again for a moving break... mostly to get directions on-line to the nearest target [per april's suggestion i think i may get a target credit card as opposed to selling my car...] and then back to moving stuff out of my truck into my relatively empty place... either way, it sure doesn't feel like home no matter how much i want it to... no matter how much i try today.
so... the baseball teem the kc royals... it is a shade of blue... akin to my mood.
love to all,
g